My husband is a realist. I’m a dreamer. And somehow we meet in the middle and enjoy the journey together.
It’s a logical question to ask. How do you knowingly, willingly choose to share your life with someone who doesn’t share the same belief system that guides you? How do you stay happily married if one partner’s perspective is that “I’ll believe it when I see it”, and the other’s is “I’ll see it because I believe it.” These are two opposite sides of the same coin. One is resolute faith in the future. The other is a panorama of the presence.
To give you a concrete example, my husband needs answers based on facts. He looks for solutions based on historical evidence, which are proven indicators of future success. He doesn’t want to hear about manifesting. He doesn’t want to listen to co-creation. In my world, what he specifically wants is for me to get a job, with a paycheck, preferably one with benefits too.
It’s been 4 years since I started Lillybee. It’s been 4 years since I brought any income into the household, unless payment in the form of striped rainboots counts (which in his mind it absolutely doesn’t). It’s time that I go back to “making a real living” (which in his mind means getting a job).
I truly appreciate and understand his perspective. It’s not as if I haven’t been working. I’ve put my heart and soul into the soles of Lillybee. But that bee just didn’t fly. And now it’s time to move on and give the beehive the hive-five.
I get it.
But when he tells me he can’t (and doesn’t) read my blog because he doesn’t share my faith in creating with intention the life that you want, it hurts. There’s a disconnect. His black-and-white view of the here and now in is direct, stark contrast to my believe-it-and-then-you’ll-see-it perspective.
But here’s the thing…as long as we still respect each other, we can peacefully, supportively, lovingly coexist. Despite our fundamental belief differences, we can respect each other when we understand each other. And that understanding comes in the form of communication, which usually requires having open and honest conversations about where we are.
Even though I may, and have, hear things that are demotivating or painful, it’s far better that my husband shares his concerns and frustrations with me as opposed to keeping them inside, letting them fester and grow, eventually leading to resentment. Resentment is the opposite of respect. In relationships, when you feel resentment, you are feeling disrespected.
Because my husband loves me, I know he doesn’t like telling me things that he knows are incongruent with my perspective on life. That is his way of supporting me. And I see it and appreciate his intent. But knowing that resentment leads to the rotting of a relationship, I make him share his worries with me, even if I disagree with them. The “tough talks” are NOT about me trying to change his mind. They are simply about us talking about where we are now, where we want to be, and how are we going to get there.
He needs to hear, and I need to say even to myself, what it is that I am going to do aside from manifesting, to get us there. He needs to know – he deserves to know – that I am listening. And in this case, it means that I am open to getting a job. Because here’s the thing with manifesting, you can’t ignore the present situation, chanting while burning a candle, sitting cross-legged, and wait for “it” (whatever “it” means to you). An active, vital part of co-creating means accepting the presence, giving thanks for what you have, and doing what needs to be done now to get you closer to where you want to be. Do what’s in front of you and do it well. And that includes respecting your partner and his/her needs.
Loving, heart-warming relationships are based on respect – not of beliefs, but of the being.